May 18, 2017

I feel like today has been a roller coaster even though I don’t really think that much has happened. I don’t know, it probably really doesn’t help that I’ve resorted to alternating my meds, I’m on 6 and 4 are running out. I literally can’t afford to by them til Tuesday (at this point) so I’m down to taking x every second day and y on the other days etc. Not smart, not deliberately self destructive but it’s what my financial situation has forced. That’s genuinely the ONLY small benefit of being on an Involuntary Treatment Order (ITO) – free meds.

Anyway, felt miserable this morning. Turned World of Warcraft on and it was running at 1 fps. Devastated. Me and my very limited practical knowledge actually managed to fix it though. Surprised cause all the websites were telling me to clean out the fans which I couldn’t do with the wrong screwdriver. So I found the issue and fixed it successfully all on my lonesome. I’m rather impressed with myself.

Volunteering with a youth organisation at 930am. That’s every Monday and Thursday. Really didn’t want to go. I was (am?) at that point where ED and Depression collide and the only conceivable way of leaving the house is by putting on the blackest and baggiest clothes I own. What a fucking cliche, but it’s the truth. I live in black anyway, did the “gothic thing” for years, now I’m just too apathetic to care but people probably still use or think that word tbh. So I drag myself there and rock up on time. There’s me, one of the 2 coordinators and the other volunteer. NO YOUTH. Good job guys. So hung around for 20 minutes while the co-coordinator called those on the student list before sending us home. I wasn’t relieved. I’d fucking forced myself there while I was drowning. I didn’t want to go, but the person I WANT to be is reliable, so I fought and pulled it off. I felt let down. Walked home in the rain. Stopped to by binge food. -$19.45 of my $36. Great. Started BUCKETING down while I was in the shops. To get the rest of the way home I had to carry my (slippery) sandals and walk bare foot and even with an umbrella my pants were literally saturated by the time I got through the front door. Good excuse to change baggy black pants to baggy FLUFFY black PJ pants at least. Oh and the rains so bad the 2 trees in my backyard have lost their grip to the earth and have fallen over onto the back fence. I have no idea what if anything the real estate can do about that but I still have to tell them.

So Real Estates. I moved house 2 or 3 weeks ago. Spent days and a lot of money cleaning the old place and a lot of time worrying about if it was good enough. Old real estate lady called today and thanked my profusely for such a wonderful job and talked about how rare it it and I’m glowing. And relieved cause that’s $640 worth of Bond I get back. But I do owe them 1 days rent cause yeah IDK. But that’s only $22. But right now? Yeah literally don’t have $22 which means its coming out of the bond and i think it’s a bit more paper work and maybe a bit more of a wait time. I’ll find out more tomorrow. I really have no idea whether the process from now is like 1 working day or 2 weeks… I’m so fucking broke. At least this might force me to quit smoking. I only started again recently. We had a cyclone that cut power and roads and cell phones for days and I was actually kind of traumatised by being stuck in the house suicidal with no distraction and no way to call for help. Thus the smoking. Australia is crazy about trying to get people to quit. There’s a SIGNIFICANT price hike on tobacco every year for like… IDK maybe 6 years. I might write a post on my opinion of that later but it doesn’t belong here. I don’t even know what this post is, diary crossed with word vomit.

I should just end this before I keep rambling. It’s 511pm. Tobacco critically low. Debating B/P run with critically low funds and pouring rain. But I also really don’t want to leave the house. I want to curl up on the couch with the TV on and never get up. But I guess I have to see what tomorrow brings. It’s the weekend thats really going to destroy me. I wonder if I could nap for 2.5 days?

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Frantic

My thoughts are all running together. I’m frantic, excited, hopeful and scared. I’m stuck at home, what with it being Sunday and there being no buses here now. I haven’t been good at being at home since the severe cyclone. It’s not all bad though – I’m getting things done.

I’m making goals, plans, dreams, rules. Sure, weight loss and restriction is one of them – but so to is “B/P Free” and that in my opinion is the most pressing concern, for my physical health, mental health, finances and life in general. And sure a few of these immediate ideas come with the post-script “If it doesn’t work out it’s a sign and I’ll just kill myself” but that “IF”, that implication that maybe things could be better is a hope that after the last 8 years I will never take for granted.

I’ve budgeted (current as well as recurrent). I’ve found a site and app called GoodBudget which seems to be really ideal – if not a little daunting ha. Plus mum’s informed me of a potential subsidy type thing due to the natural disaster which would infinitely help things in the “immediate”. Thing 1 that has to wait til Monday.

My coffee shop has a sign up that they’re looking for staff. This is one of those things that my racing thoughts chase with “or suicide”. I shouldn’t say that, firstly because how desperate does it sound? But I want it so so bad, I KNOW that it would be life changing. Secondly because my resume is predominantly gaps due to my mental illness so I KNOW it will be very easy to be quickly thrown in the trash pile. But regardless I updated what I could in my resume yesterday, and spent a good portion of today writing a cover letter. Thing 2 that has to wait til Monday (to update references, print and hopefully hand in).

I’ve searched for rentals. I want to move places because the suburb I’m in is quite far out of the town centre, has no supermarkets or the like and I rely solely on the bus for transportation. The problem is finding an affordable place that also allows pets (I have a little dog). But I found a listing online that from what I can tell would be IDEAL. Thing 3 that has to wait til Monday.

500pm
On the awesome side – 17 hours B/P Free
On the shitty side – I’m rolling way too many cigarettes. Especially considering I broke and bought my first pack in months and months just yesterday.

I need it to be tomorrow. I’m already planning on taking a valium with my 800pm meds just to try and make this day end sooner. Though I don’t know if that will be enough. This post is longer than I had intended and still only feels a fraction of my thoughts. Hypokalemic thoughts.

Peace x