I’ve spent the day thinking about someone I shouldn’t be thinking about. I miss you, I don’t know why, and I know its the epitome of futility. My memory is impaired (more on that later), but I remember losing control and screaming at you for something you did or didn’t do. Screaming and crying and probably bleeding, mental patient personified. But you apologised, sincerely. You were the “them” and the “them” NEVER admit a wrong, let alone show compassion or regret. But you did, and I knew you were different. That was a long time ago, and I don’t even remember the details. But I remember that’s when I knew you were special. And that’s what I can’t get out of my head today. I want to see you again, that’s all.
Maybe I should take a minute to talk about my sexuality. It won’t go for long, cause frankly I’m rather baffled. I couldn’t care less if someone is straight, gay, or bi. I couldn’t care less if I am either. But you see I’m not, or I don’t think I am, and that’s where I get confused. I’m almost 27, you think I’d have figured something like this out by now. I like some people, male, female, as friends, and as a want – for more than friends. Simple, until you move past “romantically” into “sexual” because for me, they are very different things and sexual is something that I don’t think I’ve ever desired. It’s not something that’s ever felt natural. There is something called asexuality. I guess that’s kind of what I’ve identified with most, but it’s difficult to deal with and accept, on a personal level, when I do “want” someone, and even more, on a societal level. For all the fight and acceptance (which I fully support) of the LGBTQI… where is the A?
Anyway, that’s where my heads at at the moment, and it’s a very confusing place to be, but unfortunately its also a background status quo. However, emphasis on the “background”. But this is my mental illness blog/diary (that again I’m going to try and be active on). So there’s this – I don’t care how it sounds – I’m actively pursuing AN1. I’m sick of the bingeing, I’m tired of the purging, I’m drowning in self loathing and am in extreme financial strife as a direct result of this vile behaviour. My weights been high-yo-yoing for months (maybe I don’t really remember anymore). More self loathing. I don’t want recovery and again, I don’t care how that sounds, I’m not going around corrupting your children so lets leave it at that. I NEED to lose weight. 17 to 13. And I fucking will. But of course lets look at today, 3 B/P’s and fucking useless. I have to cut soon. To bleed out some of this corruption. I can’t even fucking afford my meds at the moment.
I’m going to write more. Online and in notebooks. I love notebooks but I also miss being engaged with people who can relate.
– Sidenote Memeory Problems: I had 12 treatments of ECT last year. It had mild side effects and did lift my depression for a few months. But a few months later I was unconscious and bleeding out in a bathroom with a backup suicide means ticking away as well. So I had more ECT. I had something like 16-18 treatments before I withdrew my consent. It was not lifting the depression and more importantly the side effects were devastating. I struggled through weeks or months of people telling me that memory problems were common and mild and would ease with time, until enough time had passed for my Case Manager to conduct a clinical cognitive and memory test on me. I failed. I’m an intelligent girl. Now I’m the girl who runs into someone on my street who knows my name and all about me and I have no idea who they are or how I even know them. It’s difficult. And just one more reason to hate myself. Oh, and now that there’s documented proof this isn’t “normal” my Case Manager has started blaming my diet/eating disorder. Like, fuck off. I’ve had an ED for 8 or 9 years, ECT and memory problems both started at the same time this yeah, that’s not a fucking coincidence.
Okay, that’s my rambles for tonight,
Until tomorrow x