Nerve Pain

I’m burning Jasmine incense. I love it, that’ll make everything better.

Chaotic day.
Did some sort of superficial nerve damage cutting last night. An intense burning sensation kept waking me last night. I thought it’d be okay but I woke up this morning and couldn’t move my arm without a high amount of pain, still “burning”.

Plan for the day was work support appointment at 800am and work 1000am til 300pm. My job is semi heavy lifting on a usual day. 12kg boxes of apples above head height and 20kg bags of potatoes lower down, among lesser things. Today would have involved less weight but more constant, intense, and more mechanical movement – lift, twist, stack etc. I couldn’t fathom it and called in injured. My supervisor answered the phone – she was super cool about it but did ask what happened. What do you say? “Oh I was just being a dickhead”. Of course I’m Australian so I didn’t even think twice about using that phrase to work people ha. But it’s still suspect.

So anyway, went to the 800am appointment. She called my GP to get me an urgent appointment. She also called my case manager to voice her concerns, and ask about me going IP but still being let out to keep my job. Made me promise to call her after GP appointment.

Wen’t and saw case manager at 900am. It was pre-scheduled but I’d attempted to reschedule to a different day cause I thought I had work, but I didn’t, so we didn’t. She’s going to see me everyday I’m not working to try and avoid IP. She’s going to try and help me start my psychologist homework (relaxation) tomorrow. She got me a visit to my Psychiatrist on the 12th December. She FINALLY did my followup cognitive assessment regarding the significant side effects ECT had on me 1 year ago. She was meant to do it months ago but I was apparently “too underweight” at the time and that could skew the results. Like bitch please I’ve been emaciated for most of the last decade, memory problems started straight after ECT – let go of the bias. But hey, she HAS done a lot today so that’s cool.

I went to GP after that. She said, which I knew that the painful cut wasn’t as deep as the other recent cuts and therefore not bad enough to do any major damage. Only explanation was something like, superficial nerves normally just numb and die but sometimes they react differently and that must be the cause. Decided against stitches cause it’s such a time ask on her (as they’re ALWAYS older than 6-8 hours by the time I get to see her). And I’m cutting so much anyway. Futility. But OMG the lovely nurse gave me a whole big syringe of lignocaine topical numbing gel and that shit is GOLD. She Steri’d up my open cuts and took the stitches out of the stitched ones. The latter was a mistake. A few hours later the steri’s don’t stick cause it’s such a high movement area and one of the stitched cuts was apparently removed too early cause it’s burst right open and there’s vile yellow fat cells bulging everywhere and great. But whatever, I ripped off all the steri’s and just stuck perpendicular tough-strip bandaid’s along my shoulders to close the gaping wounds. Much better than steri’s. Sore cut started burning again, though this was like 5-6 hours after first application. More gel. All good. Oh GP ALSO gave me pathology form, ECG, and antibiotics. Like I said. Busy day.

GP is across the road from B/P supermarket. Time to buy supplies (after pathology). I’ll call job support lady when I’m walking home. Or not, legit ran into her at the shopping complex. Legit picked up medication and the same time, at the same place. And then she drove me home. With a bad full of B/P food lol.

Binge.
Kill time.
Binge again.
Start drinking.
Write “today” that turns into an essay before the vodka takes effect.

Got super drunk “social” last night before cutting. Messaging people on FB messenger I haven’t spoken to in years. Oh gosh lol.

DID NOT lose weight. Always the start to a shit day.
Nah today’s not too shit considering I’m no longer in pain because of it AND avoided IP.

Did however (not for the first time), shit myself toward the tail end of binge. Not on laxatives for months but have abused them for the better part of 10 years. Not sure if this is a side-effect of long term laxative abuse or just of long term Eating Disorder. But hey, always a class act.

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Started drinking 1 week ago.
Lost 1.4kg.

By the morning, 8 days, it should be more.
Knowing that, it’s not possible to stop ANYTHING now.

Weight loss is all that matters.
Sub that is keeping my job – avoiding a three month stint in hospital.
BUT I’m fat so that’s not todays problem. And besides, I’ll try and make it long story short but…

My actual psychiatrist said to me that I would improve if I had more purposeful things to do with my time and day and life. She’s not about to jeopardise my work. Me working is what she wants. Secondly, my Psychiatrist is no longer my psychiatrist while I’m an inpatient. The Psychiatrist I had last time I was IP, which was the first time I was IP without her ever since she because my shrink. He basically got me the job. IDK if DR I was whispering in his ear or if he independently shared her view. But I was IP when I told him I had the potential for a job interview and would he let me go. I was IP when I got the job and he agreed to accommodate my shifts. I was IP for my first week of employment and then he let me go – 5kg below the ED guidelines. I have hope that he’ll be my psychiatrist again IF if comes to that. And hopes that he will again accommodate my “purpose”

So what’s the draw back?

I’m drinking, and getting the pleasure of being drunk. And losing weight and am not in hospital.
I’m cutting, and am grounding myself. And losing weight and am not in hospital.
I’m sleeping excessively. Because I don’t want to be alive. But I’m losing weight and am not in hospital.
I’m bingeing and purging. But less – financially and calorifically. So I’m losing weight and am not in hospital.
I’m smoking, and relishing in the “fuck it”. And I’m losing weight and am not in possible.

I’m fine.
How can I stop when everything’s in my favour.

I JUST NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT
BMI 15.87

November 20th 2017

I’m drinking again.
I’ve drunk 6 nights out of the last 7. Binge drunk.

Today’s been… whatever.
I woke up at 744am. Late for me, cause when I woke up at about 5 I didn’t want to be awake. 2 sachet cappuccino’s, 1 B/P (6754 Cal), then I slept again, for over four hours because I didn’t want to be alive. 2 sachet cappuccino’s. It’s past 500pm. That justifies vodka right?

If I can not binge again it will be a major achievement to have binged between 800am and 1000am and not binge later in the day. Hell pre vodka it would be a major achievement to end the day at 3 instead of 4 binges that day when starting early. I don’t know if I will binge again. It could go either way. Drunk at dark out means if I do it’ll be from work shop. How low is that? Shopping for food you’re going to throw up, while being drunk, at your place of work. But yes. I am that low of a human being. Scum.

What I do need to do is cut. There’s not much left in the vodka bottle.

TW
Plan. Plan is to finish vodka, avoid B/P, incise my flesh down to the muscle, home job repair.
END TW

I got a text from my new (Private but Bulk Billed for 10 sessions) Psychologist today (I’ve only seen her one time). I was bingeing when I got the text, didn’t notice. Slept without checking my phone and didn’t reply til after 400pm. But it said that my GP (re stitches) had contacted her asking her to get me an earlier appointment, and when was I available. I haven’t done my homework. I didn’t know my GP was worried. I had 3 cuts stitched by her. 1 cut stitched by a different doctor when she wasn’t there. I refused to get the last one stitched because it wasn’t fair on GP. Til too much pressure (or, support?) from appointment people and I caved. She wasn’t there and I thought I’d skated by by getting a different doctor to do it. But that doctor or maybe one of the nurses must have mentioned it too my GP and she thought, as I knew she would, that it was one time (in a short space of time) too many. I’m just relieved she didn’t contact my case manager. Case manager is part of the PUBLIC system. And public system is all too trigger happy in institutionalising me.

But, saying that. I haven’t seen my Case Manager for a number of weeks. I’m due to see her on Wednesday morning. But work rescheduling means Wednesday is well, doable but not ideal. I’ve been meaning to reschedule her for either tomorrow (Tuesday) or Thursday. So shit’s happening and I can’t avoid it.

I need to see my Psychiatrist. I love her but it always seems she’s away or incapacitated when I need her. I wonder when she’s back in the fucking country?

I need to cut.

I’ve lost weight since the alcohol started at least.

Drunk-O-Rexic Cutter

WordPress. Neglected.

I’m drinking because I don’t want to be alive.

About 1 year ago, I don’t remember for sure because it was at the height of my ECT induced memory problems, but I fasted. I think it was about 9 days. Because of that I completely lost the taste for some things, mostly #1 Alcohol (I only ever have drunk Vodka) and #2 One of the two energy drinks I used to consume. So the short story is that I haven’t consumed a single drop of liquor in about a year.

That has changed tonight. Not all smooth sailing though mind you. I bought lemonade (SF) to mix it with, opened the bottle and started gagging. I did however have SF green cordial on hand so all is well on the getting drunk front. I am however, running out of green cordial. But I do think I’m hopefully intoxicated enough to keep down lemonade if it comes to that. Typing is hard right now though lol.

But anyway, why tonight? Approx 365 days (minimum 10 months, I know the fast was around Christmas 2016) sober. I’ll say this on my relationship with alcohol – Frequently abused, never addicted.

So why tonight? I’ve been spiralling. I haven’t written here for ages. but I went forced IP a couple of months ago. While I was there I also managed to get a job and thankfully, massively thankfully, my Psychiatrist at the time was fully supportive and agreed to accommodate the opportunity. I was released shortly after despite being 5kg below the ED guidelines. Again, thanks to the faith that Psychiatrist showed me. So I’ve been working. Working and bingeing and purging and gaining/maintaining weight – whatever it’s higher than I can stand but also lower still than that retched ED guideline.

So I’ve been cutting. I did this afternoon. I go through phases with cutting. By that I mean I generally cant stop once I make the first one in a while, and it instantly becomes an everyday, or every second day think to a depth that would require stitches. My GP is amazing, she’ll stitch them up for me, generally avoiding dramas from the public mental health system, even if they’re old she’ll trim the edges that have started to heal then stitch. But after a few it just becomes unfair (and risky) to ask that of her, and anyway from my perspective it’s just like what’s the point? Anyway this “phase” lasts til sooner or later I’m deemed unsafe and incompetent, forced into hospital, continue cutting at any opportunity, but eventually the opportunities are run out and I’m forced to stop, and do try (and temporarily succeed) at not starting again.

I started again about a week ago. have 6 open or healing wounds. Latest was this afternoon. Deepest so far and the effort required to stop and not make it deeper… I can’t put into words. I held out, held out for the inevitable evening binge. (already had twice that day so far) But for reasons I can’t explain when I was running through my mental shopping list I realised I could (should?) buy vodka. And it was instantly decided.

Alcohol shop is right next to supermarket where I would buy binge food. I even bought 1 binge item at the shop on the way to the main shop. Buy I bought vodka and entered the main shop with the intention of buying that damn lemonade and the binge food and decided after I’d put two items into my trolley that I didn’t need or want to binge. I just needed to get drunk.

Instant validation and justification. I can cover the expense of vodka if it reduces the bingeing even slightly. Which legit I spend AU$400 per WEEK on.

Will I still cut? The answer is probably.

Drunk-o-rexic Cutter. With a Job.
I’d be happy with that as long as the scale goes down.

May 18, 2017

I feel like today has been a roller coaster even though I don’t really think that much has happened. I don’t know, it probably really doesn’t help that I’ve resorted to alternating my meds, I’m on 6 and 4 are running out. I literally can’t afford to by them til Tuesday (at this point) so I’m down to taking x every second day and y on the other days etc. Not smart, not deliberately self destructive but it’s what my financial situation has forced. That’s genuinely the ONLY small benefit of being on an Involuntary Treatment Order (ITO) – free meds.

Anyway, felt miserable this morning. Turned World of Warcraft on and it was running at 1 fps. Devastated. Me and my very limited practical knowledge actually managed to fix it though. Surprised cause all the websites were telling me to clean out the fans which I couldn’t do with the wrong screwdriver. So I found the issue and fixed it successfully all on my lonesome. I’m rather impressed with myself.

Volunteering with a youth organisation at 930am. That’s every Monday and Thursday. Really didn’t want to go. I was (am?) at that point where ED and Depression collide and the only conceivable way of leaving the house is by putting on the blackest and baggiest clothes I own. What a fucking cliche, but it’s the truth. I live in black anyway, did the “gothic thing” for years, now I’m just too apathetic to care but people probably still use or think that word tbh. So I drag myself there and rock up on time. There’s me, one of the 2 coordinators and the other volunteer. NO YOUTH. Good job guys. So hung around for 20 minutes while the co-coordinator called those on the student list before sending us home. I wasn’t relieved. I’d fucking forced myself there while I was drowning. I didn’t want to go, but the person I WANT to be is reliable, so I fought and pulled it off. I felt let down. Walked home in the rain. Stopped to by binge food. -$19.45 of my $36. Great. Started BUCKETING down while I was in the shops. To get the rest of the way home I had to carry my (slippery) sandals and walk bare foot and even with an umbrella my pants were literally saturated by the time I got through the front door. Good excuse to change baggy black pants to baggy FLUFFY black PJ pants at least. Oh and the rains so bad the 2 trees in my backyard have lost their grip to the earth and have fallen over onto the back fence. I have no idea what if anything the real estate can do about that but I still have to tell them.

So Real Estates. I moved house 2 or 3 weeks ago. Spent days and a lot of money cleaning the old place and a lot of time worrying about if it was good enough. Old real estate lady called today and thanked my profusely for such a wonderful job and talked about how rare it it and I’m glowing. And relieved cause that’s $640 worth of Bond I get back. But I do owe them 1 days rent cause yeah IDK. But that’s only $22. But right now? Yeah literally don’t have $22 which means its coming out of the bond and i think it’s a bit more paper work and maybe a bit more of a wait time. I’ll find out more tomorrow. I really have no idea whether the process from now is like 1 working day or 2 weeks… I’m so fucking broke. At least this might force me to quit smoking. I only started again recently. We had a cyclone that cut power and roads and cell phones for days and I was actually kind of traumatised by being stuck in the house suicidal with no distraction and no way to call for help. Thus the smoking. Australia is crazy about trying to get people to quit. There’s a SIGNIFICANT price hike on tobacco every year for like… IDK maybe 6 years. I might write a post on my opinion of that later but it doesn’t belong here. I don’t even know what this post is, diary crossed with word vomit.

I should just end this before I keep rambling. It’s 511pm. Tobacco critically low. Debating B/P run with critically low funds and pouring rain. But I also really don’t want to leave the house. I want to curl up on the couch with the TV on and never get up. But I guess I have to see what tomorrow brings. It’s the weekend thats really going to destroy me. I wonder if I could nap for 2.5 days?

May 17, 2017

I’ve spent the day thinking about someone I shouldn’t be thinking about. I miss you, I don’t know why, and I know its the epitome of futility. My memory is impaired (more on that later), but I remember losing control and screaming at you for something you did or didn’t do. Screaming and crying and probably bleeding, mental patient personified. But you apologised, sincerely. You were the “them” and the “them” NEVER admit a wrong, let alone show compassion or regret. But you did, and I knew you were different. That was a long time ago, and I don’t even remember the details. But I remember that’s when I knew you were special. And that’s what I can’t get out of my head today. I want to see you again, that’s all.

Maybe I should take a minute to talk about my sexuality. It won’t go for long, cause frankly I’m rather baffled. I couldn’t care less if someone is straight, gay, or bi. I couldn’t care less if I am either. But you see I’m not, or I don’t think I am, and that’s where I get confused. I’m almost 27, you think I’d have figured something like this out by now. I like some people, male, female, as friends, and as a want – for more than friends. Simple, until you move past “romantically” into “sexual” because for me, they are very different things and sexual is something that I don’t think I’ve ever desired. It’s not something that’s ever felt natural. There is something called asexuality. I guess that’s kind of what I’ve identified with most, but it’s difficult to deal with and accept, on a personal level, when I do “want” someone, and even more, on a societal level. For all the fight and acceptance (which I fully support) of the LGBTQI… where is the A?

Anyway, that’s where my heads at at the moment, and it’s a very confusing place to be, but unfortunately its also a background status quo. However, emphasis on the “background”. But this is my mental illness blog/diary (that again I’m going to try and be active on). So there’s this – I don’t care how it sounds – I’m actively pursuing AN1. I’m sick of the bingeing, I’m tired of the purging, I’m drowning in self loathing and am in extreme financial strife as a direct result of this vile behaviour. My weights been high-yo-yoing for months (maybe I don’t really remember anymore). More self loathing. I don’t want recovery and again, I don’t care how that sounds, I’m not going around corrupting your children so lets leave it at that. I NEED to lose weight. 17 to 13. And I fucking will. But of course lets look at today, 3 B/P’s and fucking useless. I have to cut soon. To bleed out some of this corruption. I can’t even fucking afford my meds at the moment.

I’m going to write more. Online and in notebooks. I love notebooks but I also miss being engaged with people who can relate.

– Sidenote Memeory Problems: I had 12 treatments of ECT last year. It had mild side effects and did lift my depression for a few months. But a few months later I was unconscious and bleeding out in a bathroom with a backup suicide means ticking away as well. So I had more ECT. I had something like 16-18 treatments before I withdrew my consent. It was not lifting the depression and more importantly the side effects were devastating. I struggled through weeks or months of people telling me that memory problems were common and mild and would ease with time, until enough time had passed for my Case Manager to conduct a clinical cognitive and memory test on me. I failed. I’m an intelligent girl. Now I’m the girl who runs into someone on my street who knows my name and all about me and I have no idea who they are or how I even know them. It’s difficult. And just one more reason to hate myself. Oh, and now that there’s documented proof this isn’t “normal” my Case Manager has started blaming my diet/eating disorder. Like, fuck off. I’ve had an ED for 8 or 9 years, ECT and memory problems both started at the same time this yeah, that’s not a fucking coincidence.

Okay, that’s my rambles for tonight,
Until tomorrow x

23/04/17

I’m sorry for the start and not post. Things have been crazy, good and bad both.
I’ve taken my night meds now, and am completely consumed by the apple I just consumed so I can’t write much but from tomorrow I’m going to do my best to reconnect with writing.

I’ve got a number of goals in progress. I’ll elaborate more later, but Goal 1 is to stop bingeing and purging. I ended a 100 hour (4 days 4 hours) streak about 2 days ago. I am starting again as of 600pm tonight – it is currently 830pm so early days. Like I said, I’ll elaborate more on this and others later but I wanted to get this start time written and published in the hopes I’ll be less likely to “start tomorrow”.

Okay, sorry for this shit update. Daily posting here I come, even if it’s just for myself.

Peace x