Frantic

My thoughts are all running together. I’m frantic, excited, hopeful and scared. I’m stuck at home, what with it being Sunday and there being no buses here now. I haven’t been good at being at home since the severe cyclone. It’s not all bad though – I’m getting things done.

I’m making goals, plans, dreams, rules. Sure, weight loss and restriction is one of them – but so to is “B/P Free” and that in my opinion is the most pressing concern, for my physical health, mental health, finances and life in general. And sure a few of these immediate ideas come with the post-script “If it doesn’t work out it’s a sign and I’ll just kill myself” but that “IF”, that implication that maybe things could be better is a hope that after the last 8 years I will never take for granted.

I’ve budgeted (current as well as recurrent). I’ve found a site and app called GoodBudget which seems to be really ideal – if not a little daunting ha. Plus mum’s informed me of a potential subsidy type thing due to the natural disaster which would infinitely help things in the “immediate”. Thing 1 that has to wait til Monday.

My coffee shop has a sign up that they’re looking for staff. This is one of those things that my racing thoughts chase with “or suicide”. I shouldn’t say that, firstly because how desperate does it sound? But I want it so so bad, I KNOW that it would be life changing. Secondly because my resume is predominantly gaps due to my mental illness so I KNOW it will be very easy to be quickly thrown in the trash pile. But regardless I updated what I could in my resume yesterday, and spent a good portion of today writing a cover letter. Thing 2 that has to wait til Monday (to update references, print and hopefully hand in).

I’ve searched for rentals. I want to move places because the suburb I’m in is quite far out of the town centre, has no supermarkets or the like and I rely solely on the bus for transportation. The problem is finding an affordable place that also allows pets (I have a little dog). But I found a listing online that from what I can tell would be IDEAL. Thing 3 that has to wait til Monday.

500pm
On the awesome side – 17 hours B/P Free
On the shitty side – I’m rolling way too many cigarettes. Especially considering I broke and bought my first pack in months and months just yesterday.

I need it to be tomorrow. I’m already planning on taking a valium with my 800pm meds just to try and make this day end sooner. Though I don’t know if that will be enough. This post is longer than I had intended and still only feels a fraction of my thoughts. Hypokalemic thoughts.

Peace x