May 18, 2017

I feel like today has been a roller coaster even though I don’t really think that much has happened. I don’t know, it probably really doesn’t help that I’ve resorted to alternating my meds, I’m on 6 and 4 are running out. I literally can’t afford to by them til Tuesday (at this point) so I’m down to taking x every second day and y on the other days etc. Not smart, not deliberately self destructive but it’s what my financial situation has forced. That’s genuinely the ONLY small benefit of being on an Involuntary Treatment Order (ITO) – free meds.

Anyway, felt miserable this morning. Turned World of Warcraft on and it was running at 1 fps. Devastated. Me and my very limited practical knowledge actually managed to fix it though. Surprised cause all the websites were telling me to clean out the fans which I couldn’t do with the wrong screwdriver. So I found the issue and fixed it successfully all on my lonesome. I’m rather impressed with myself.

Volunteering with a youth organisation at 930am. That’s every Monday and Thursday. Really didn’t want to go. I was (am?) at that point where ED and Depression collide and the only conceivable way of leaving the house is by putting on the blackest and baggiest clothes I own. What a fucking cliche, but it’s the truth. I live in black anyway, did the “gothic thing” for years, now I’m just too apathetic to care but people probably still use or think that word tbh. So I drag myself there and rock up on time. There’s me, one of the 2 coordinators and the other volunteer. NO YOUTH. Good job guys. So hung around for 20 minutes while the co-coordinator called those on the student list before sending us home. I wasn’t relieved. I’d fucking forced myself there while I was drowning. I didn’t want to go, but the person I WANT to be is reliable, so I fought and pulled it off. I felt let down. Walked home in the rain. Stopped to by binge food. -$19.45 of my $36. Great. Started BUCKETING down while I was in the shops. To get the rest of the way home I had to carry my (slippery) sandals and walk bare foot and even with an umbrella my pants were literally saturated by the time I got through the front door. Good excuse to change baggy black pants to baggy FLUFFY black PJ pants at least. Oh and the rains so bad the 2 trees in my backyard have lost their grip to the earth and have fallen over onto the back fence. I have no idea what if anything the real estate can do about that but I still have to tell them.

So Real Estates. I moved house 2 or 3 weeks ago. Spent days and a lot of money cleaning the old place and a lot of time worrying about if it was good enough. Old real estate lady called today and thanked my profusely for such a wonderful job and talked about how rare it it and I’m glowing. And relieved cause that’s $640 worth of Bond I get back. But I do owe them 1 days rent cause yeah IDK. But that’s only $22. But right now? Yeah literally don’t have $22 which means its coming out of the bond and i think it’s a bit more paper work and maybe a bit more of a wait time. I’ll find out more tomorrow. I really have no idea whether the process from now is like 1 working day or 2 weeks… I’m so fucking broke. At least this might force me to quit smoking. I only started again recently. We had a cyclone that cut power and roads and cell phones for days and I was actually kind of traumatised by being stuck in the house suicidal with no distraction and no way to call for help. Thus the smoking. Australia is crazy about trying to get people to quit. There’s a SIGNIFICANT price hike on tobacco every year for like… IDK maybe 6 years. I might write a post on my opinion of that later but it doesn’t belong here. I don’t even know what this post is, diary crossed with word vomit.

I should just end this before I keep rambling. It’s 511pm. Tobacco critically low. Debating B/P run with critically low funds and pouring rain. But I also really don’t want to leave the house. I want to curl up on the couch with the TV on and never get up. But I guess I have to see what tomorrow brings. It’s the weekend thats really going to destroy me. I wonder if I could nap for 2.5 days?

May 17, 2017

I’ve spent the day thinking about someone I shouldn’t be thinking about. I miss you, I don’t know why, and I know its the epitome of futility. My memory is impaired (more on that later), but I remember losing control and screaming at you for something you did or didn’t do. Screaming and crying and probably bleeding, mental patient personified. But you apologised, sincerely. You were the “them” and the “them” NEVER admit a wrong, let alone show compassion or regret. But you did, and I knew you were different. That was a long time ago, and I don’t even remember the details. But I remember that’s when I knew you were special. And that’s what I can’t get out of my head today. I want to see you again, that’s all.

Maybe I should take a minute to talk about my sexuality. It won’t go for long, cause frankly I’m rather baffled. I couldn’t care less if someone is straight, gay, or bi. I couldn’t care less if I am either. But you see I’m not, or I don’t think I am, and that’s where I get confused. I’m almost 27, you think I’d have figured something like this out by now. I like some people, male, female, as friends, and as a want – for more than friends. Simple, until you move past “romantically” into “sexual” because for me, they are very different things and sexual is something that I don’t think I’ve ever desired. It’s not something that’s ever felt natural. There is something called asexuality. I guess that’s kind of what I’ve identified with most, but it’s difficult to deal with and accept, on a personal level, when I do “want” someone, and even more, on a societal level. For all the fight and acceptance (which I fully support) of the LGBTQI… where is the A?

Anyway, that’s where my heads at at the moment, and it’s a very confusing place to be, but unfortunately its also a background status quo. However, emphasis on the “background”. But this is my mental illness blog/diary (that again I’m going to try and be active on). So there’s this – I don’t care how it sounds – I’m actively pursuing AN1. I’m sick of the bingeing, I’m tired of the purging, I’m drowning in self loathing and am in extreme financial strife as a direct result of this vile behaviour. My weights been high-yo-yoing for months (maybe I don’t really remember anymore). More self loathing. I don’t want recovery and again, I don’t care how that sounds, I’m not going around corrupting your children so lets leave it at that. I NEED to lose weight. 17 to 13. And I fucking will. But of course lets look at today, 3 B/P’s and fucking useless. I have to cut soon. To bleed out some of this corruption. I can’t even fucking afford my meds at the moment.

I’m going to write more. Online and in notebooks. I love notebooks but I also miss being engaged with people who can relate.

– Sidenote Memeory Problems: I had 12 treatments of ECT last year. It had mild side effects and did lift my depression for a few months. But a few months later I was unconscious and bleeding out in a bathroom with a backup suicide means ticking away as well. So I had more ECT. I had something like 16-18 treatments before I withdrew my consent. It was not lifting the depression and more importantly the side effects were devastating. I struggled through weeks or months of people telling me that memory problems were common and mild and would ease with time, until enough time had passed for my Case Manager to conduct a clinical cognitive and memory test on me. I failed. I’m an intelligent girl. Now I’m the girl who runs into someone on my street who knows my name and all about me and I have no idea who they are or how I even know them. It’s difficult. And just one more reason to hate myself. Oh, and now that there’s documented proof this isn’t “normal” my Case Manager has started blaming my diet/eating disorder. Like, fuck off. I’ve had an ED for 8 or 9 years, ECT and memory problems both started at the same time this yeah, that’s not a fucking coincidence.

Okay, that’s my rambles for tonight,
Until tomorrow x

23/04/17

I’m sorry for the start and not post. Things have been crazy, good and bad both.
I’ve taken my night meds now, and am completely consumed by the apple I just consumed so I can’t write much but from tomorrow I’m going to do my best to reconnect with writing.

I’ve got a number of goals in progress. I’ll elaborate more later, but Goal 1 is to stop bingeing and purging. I ended a 100 hour (4 days 4 hours) streak about 2 days ago. I am starting again as of 600pm tonight – it is currently 830pm so early days. Like I said, I’ll elaborate more on this and others later but I wanted to get this start time written and published in the hopes I’ll be less likely to “start tomorrow”.

Okay, sorry for this shit update. Daily posting here I come, even if it’s just for myself.

Peace x